Exploring new job possibilities

In the 1980's there weren't so many advertising agencies to look for that I was aware of. Let's continue supposing that after any number of visits to big, middle and small agencies I got interviewed at some of them; some would have openings for receptionists, some for salespeople (ew...), some for beginners at the production desks; and still some of them would demand everything combined for a minimum wage. I would have been to be ready to take anything that might remotely link to my new chosen career path, even to take over some all-terrain jobs -which wouldn't seem such a bad idea, since it would be in fact aligned with my desire to learn as fast and as much as I could – if I could manage to live by the meager pay, that is. My mother received a better pension than the average of pensioner, but it was just enough to support her and her growing medical needs; as many people her age -she was 65- she suffered from heart disease, was diabetic and had atherosclerosis, all of which had to be regularly controlled.

I kind of imagine me getting a job as a receptionist at one of the smaller firms; I would really try to endure it a few months in order to meet the significant people and get the opportunity of helping them, thus working my way through till I landed at the designing desks. I have no trouble picturing myself in this sort of situation, it is not that different from the time when as a lawyer for the Bariloche communal government I developed a very good working relationship with the systems people (a field that I was too eager to command, too), getting even to be friends with some of them, which got me everything I needed from that particular area -software or hardware alike- if it was within their range to provide it; that is, almost always. At that time I had no real desire to switch jobs, even if I frequently fantasized about working in networking or as a sysadmin, because the one I was performing was fascinating and had a better pay than the ones I would be able to carry out there; but I believe that if I really wanted to, I would have been able to go over to systems. In this alternate future, with a great desire to switch jobs, it would certainly be the case: with some background preparation I would eventually get to aid at design, maybe at first without changing nominally my status; that would give me some experience while going on with my studies as well. I'd like to think that from then on my career would be steadily uphill, but I cannot honestly be sure about this, since on the other hand would have required a very different personality...

For one, I still barely felt at home in Buenos Aires, my heart still longed for other places, for other sensory experiences: a colder place, the icy touch of snow, the feathery appearance of cherry trees, the chanting sound of Japanese, the distant warmth shown by my various acquaintances, the soapy sweet smell of the o-furo, the full and round flavors of nabe and tonkatsu and yakitoriyas in winter. I hated the heat and the wetness of this rude city... And I still missed my one and only love, not being able to see other men even as temporary surrogates, no matter how desperately I tried. Not the best mood for a career, was it? I don't know if I would have ever overcome these feelings if in the real future I hadn't gone to Bariloche. Supposing that I had, would I have been able to recover my joy for life? Or would I have become a dull and grey person, one of those many people dragging their feet through their life, doing what they assumed the society at large expected, never daring to ask themselves what they really wanted?

On the other hand, I remember that I enjoyed so much my time at the atelier of Mara Sanchez -what a wonderful artist she was-; she made me feel highly motivated; she encouraged me to go on, she even saw some talent in me. When I was at it, I felt again alive. So, maybe it wouldn't have turned out bad, going into graphical advertising. And maybe I would eventually even get to something theatrical, be it regie or costume design, if not as a job, as a hobby. But that, if at all possible, should have to wait. I had a little son whom I loved beyond words -I don't know if he would know, I wasn't very good at showing people how much they mattered to me. That was the case especially with infants; well, I wasn't very fond of infants in general, only my son arouse such awe in me, that everything else seemed unimportant, and I wanted to give him everything. Only, I didn't know how to be around him; I reckon that I wasn't a very good mother, normal things like taking him to the park bored me enormously, I didn't know any games either. Watching that time from the present perspective, I can see that I sort of deemed him some kind of intellectual freak – he being not over 3 years old!- for whom watching cartoons (Thundercats, He-Man and the like), Star Trek and playing with action figures would be the most enjoyable thing to do (well, in fact he did enjoy it). I wanted to get him every possible action figure, funny gadgets and so on, without noticing that he was a little child and he deserved to play and get dirty at the park. Now I can see that I was the freak!

Had I stayed in Buenos Aires, eventually he would have gone to kindergarten and to school there; that would have been a step towards adaptation, if nothing else. It seems safe to assume that in time I would have been forced to notice him more as he really was and less as I imagined him to be... So, maybe all this mess would have turned into something possible, into something real. I, with a job I liked enough, my soul returning slowly to meet my body, my son growing up in a city he liked...